because i had an eureka moment this morning while diligently cleaning the house. see, house cleaning is magic like that. and it's such an appropriate thing to do in a scorpy time like this. but let us not digress.
so, one of the catchphrases i heard from several men which criss crossed my life was "but you want a relationshiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip with meeeeeeeeeeeee and i am not ready for that". which usually comes at that part where they come back after a shorter or longer disappearance in a black hole and i'm pissed off while they expect applauses and smiles. seriously, what is wrong with you people?
let's just make a list of explanations here:
1. we already have a relationship. relationship comes from relating which means human interaction. which is: both you and i have relationships with each other, our friends, family, enemies, work colleagues, supermarket cashiers, random people from all over the world. the fact that our interaction is going down the drain doesn't change the fact that it exists. the fact that you don't want it to exist, won't wipe it out of existence either. and how the hell do you get ready for relationships anyway? go to relationship camp? 50 push-ups every morning? polish up your shakespeare? listen to motivational tapes every night before falling asleep?
2. interaction means action - reaction. you acted (like a jerk) i reacted to that. why in the world would you imagine that i would welcome you back like a hero? and yes, i care about how people treat me. it's the most important thing in the world. if someone hits you with a brick in the head you would react to that too.
3. oh, you mean a loving relationship, going steady, eventually get married? with you? because.... what? it was always my dream to hook up forever with someone who has no respect for me, my feelings and my needs. oh, the joy of it! the thrill of hearing always "me me me me me me ... i want, i i i i i i i ... ". get a grip. if i wanted a selfish prick who thinks the sun rises from his ass to worship forever while he makes my life a living hell, i would probably have found him a loooooooong time ago.
4. what i want is just as important as what you want. if there's a conflict of interests, guess who's side am i taking? frankly, since you did not show any interest in my feelings, why would i try to make you feel ok about it?
5. I AM NOT PINING, NOR DESPERATELY IN LOVE WITH YOU, NOR TRYING TO GET YOU BACK. I AM ANGRY WITH YOU. and if you carry on with this behaviour i will still be angry with you. no, i don't forget in time. so disappearing doesn't help, it makes things worse. yeah, i think you're a coward.  
6. i actually wanted to know you better at a certain point. when you were nice to me. how surprising, huh? i like nice people. knowing you better means maybe spending time together, hang out, be civil to each other and stuff like that. and i don't believe in the love that hits you like a hurricane and turns your life upside down. yeah, i believe in attraction and moving forward from there. you don't want it. hey, that's okay. but i would have at least expected from you to have the decency of letting me know BEFORE. which you didn't. which lead to this situation. and i don't care if it doesn't make you happy, because you didn't care whether or not your previous actions made me happy. and i am not going to sweep it under a rug or pretend it did not happen. in conclusion, deal with it.
FIN

that would be the soundtrack for a fascinating afternoon conversation on violinists, russian composers and russian movies. it's one of those things that make life prettier.

must say, that was one tough question that i've been considering for the past few days, when i was not concerned with the plethora of tv stuff. because it's much easier to say what i don't like in a guy, which is a long and extended list and i am not entirely sure i want to add more items to that.
basically, after mulling over it intensely, making a retrospective (Saturn retrograde stuff) it dawned on me. i like men who like me and show that. i like men who are interested in my tastes, likes and dislikes. i like men who don't take themselves too seriously and are quite social. i like men who are smart, even a little quirky (bonus if i feel that i can learn something from them). i like men who have an artistic streak, are ambitious and have a touch of class. i like men i can rely on and who can make me laugh. i love laughing and wit and teasing. i also like men who can flirt, who open doors (extra bonus for opening the car door) and make all those lovely gentlemanly gestures naturally, who tell me i have pretty feet and hands. doesn't hurt if they're sexy too - which has nothing to do with looks and everything to do with vibes. there are drop dead gorgeous people who are just as sexy as a dead fish and people who may not be models but just ooze sexiness. i want the second variety.

so...stuff. because i haven't written here in what seems like ages and stuff happened with the speed of light and omgjobtvstartsNOWwhyisthisthingnotworkingahitworksthisway. in conclusion: my head aches and my feet are sore or the other way round. also, i am deleriously happy doing this and probably this is why i fit into TV world - my crazy is not so noticeable.i'm quite mellow by those standards.
oh yes, now that i remember - i must see the new wuthering heights. the trailer is so enticing. it contains two quintessential phrases - "you broke my heart. you killed me". oh, the tragedy and the drama of it all!!!

october will be better because i say so and because, seriously, september sucked royally on almost every plan of existence. and i need a break from that. starting tomorrow morning.
on the other hand, the good thing about this past month (and it was and still is really really good) is that there are people who love me and are supportive. people who were there and that's a huge boon.

..that would be david, the 6 years-old with the stamina of a duracell bunny. jumped up and down, opened the window 3 frillion times, opened and closed the door 1 frillion times just for the fun of it. eventually, worked out that the best idea was to make him tell me about his favourite cartoon - it featured flamo! master drop something! a golden dragon without an eye (and he lost that eye because he ate a peach). AND THEN HE DREW FLAMO AND THE MASTER  in a way that would make picasso jealous.

because windows needed a kick in the ass. or something like that

from machinarium, with spectacular graphics. i heart the little robot.
in other news: despicable pants, why do i even try to make them, ugh.
incoming easter trip to parents.

Gravity, because it sounds so good.if it's space drama, i'm hooked.
i am living with the impression some people think i like rom-coms. which is weird. i truly love romance, but only the really tragic kind. otherwise, recently, i'm really into the dark fantasy/sci-fi dramatic ones. like sunshine, the road and let the right one in (yeah, that one classifies as romance in my head). twilight is in a league of its own, which is a lot like cigarettes? you know it's bad and yet... grr. anyways.
back to rom-coms or the so called "chick flicks". they're just as ridiculous as the advice on the sites for women. like self-improvement and self-help. "how to get over a break-up in 10 easy steps". well, newsflash, that type of articles make me roll around the floor with laughter. what's the deal with grieving and "take your time to mourn the loss?". nuh huh. the most effective strategy is to repeat yourself the mantra "he's a bastard who deserves to die a slow painful death", send the vilest message you can think of (do you still worry about being called a psycho bitch at this point?) break a few dishes and go out to get yourself a new guy. as soon as possible. you'll be too busy wondering why the new bastard didn't call/is a complete moron to worry about the old moron. forget about "wait till you're ready to go back to the dating scene and in the meanwhile cry your heart out in bed". if you wait, you'll possibly start remembering things and think about things and that's not healthy. and a rebound guy is an excellent idea. like i said, you may discover a whole new world of annoying gestures you did not previously thought of. novelty is refreshing. of course, you can also beg, plead, blackmail, yell, cry and feign a heart attack if you want the guy back. what? all's fair in love and war and this particular situation sounds like a combination of both.
also, i don't believe in the whole "dating" rules and tools. you either like me, in which case there's no reason for you to see some other people or you don't like me, in which case, 'scuse me, why are you still here? what's that "dating around"? that's not fair (i'm talking for both sexes here).
also, viggo (ILU VIGGO) will be starring in a movie about freud. made by david cronenberg. i want to see that.
on the other hand, his royal hotness will be starring in a drama movie where he wants to prove he can act.
my hands are burning from the chemicals i used to clean the bathroom. should buy thicker gloves, am considering gloves used for handling nuclear materials or something similar.
springtime is almost here, dad is almost here and the fuchsia shoes are not almost here. am smitten with the fuchsia shoes, omg. i crave the fuchsia shoes, why are they so goddamn expensive. ih8u!

that is, when i will have a child. mostly, because i have mastered very well the following skills so far:
i clean up repeatedly after people who purposely make a mess right after i cleaned the damned place
i can repeat the same thing a frillion times over till the person in question internalizes (hopefully!) the lesson. i.e. pick up your things, don't walk around the house with shoes on, and so on and so forth
i am very patient(hello, exes!). and persistent
LATER EDIT: that's because i got interrupted last evening and then i decided to go to bed.
about persistence - learned the hard way (hello again, exes! see, exes can be useful) that unless you repeat the same idea at least 1000 times people (children are also people) won't put it into practice.
i have teaching skills. fine, maths and physics will be difficult but hopefully my child will not create problems in that particular area.
i wake up early. this comes in handy.
i'm multitasking. unless i choose to tune out and focus on just one thing and one thing alone.
i'm a good negotiator. well, most of the time, at least.

the haircut. actually, the haircut went awesome, the stylist/hairdresser did very well understand the "trim just the ends" concept. i am loving her already. i still got long reddish locks v shiny and pretty.
i dreamt of being fed sweets last night. a very delicious form of sponge cake filled with raisins. which is sort of weird, but a nice weird. also, it involved a journey, but most of my dreams involve that. in conclusion, it was a good dream.
happy birthday sister!

where it was cold and sunny and, of course windy. carrying on with the things i like list.
that hyaluronic acid gel i got from the supermarket, which worked wonders on my skin. of course, they don't have it anymore, as sister went yesterday at that specific supermarket and did not find it. note to self for next time i find it: BUY 4 OR 5 PACKS. my skin and I are really picky about cosmetics. you know, sometimes i envy women born with porcelain skin, who don't remove make-up for days and still look flawless. i don't have that luck. this is why finding products which are good for my skin makes me particularly happy. like the vichy foundation, the iwostin line and the deceased faberlic line (*snif, how i loved thee, faberlic). the newest addition is this very great hyaluronic gel.
then there's clothes in stores that fit me perfectly and are on sale. especially pants.
then there's those days when i feel pretty, oh so pretty and people compliment me for that (i never pretended not to be afflicted by libran vanity)
to be continued...
re: about air signs men i was talking on a previous post. found this article here where it compares the aquarian man to merlin. from my knowledge, it rings quite true. as in, they totally tend to live backwards, sideways, any direction which is opposite the way most people go. yes, they have grand visions and countless theories and goddess help us all if they find a king arthur to put their plans into action. when it all comes crashing down, of course it's everyone else's fault but Aquarius'. that's the way things go. however, i would like to point out that Nimue/Morgan - depends on the version, really, (there was this other interesting article with the gospel according to Aquarius and his tendency to convert people to it) stole all his tricks and we all know how that story ended. direct quote from wikipedia:
"In the Lancelot-Grail and later accounts Merlin's eventual downfall came from his lusting after a huntress named Niviane (or Nymue, Nimue, Niniane, Nyneue, or Viviane in some versions of the legend), who was the daughter of the king of Northumberland. In the Suite du Merlin ^[3], for example, Niviane is about to depart from Arthur's court, but, with some encouragement from Merlin, Arthur asks her to stay in his castle with the queen. During her stay, Merlin falls in love with her and desires her. Niviane, frightened that Merlin might take advantage of her with his spells, swears that she will never love him unless he swears to teach her all of his magic. Merlin consents, unaware that throughout the course of her lessons, Niviane will use Merlin's own powers against him, forcing him to do her bidding.^[3]
When Niviane finally goes back to her country, Merlin escorts her. However, along the way, Merlin receives a vision that Arthur is in need of assistance against the schemes of Morgan le Fay. Niviane and Merlin rush back to Arthur's castle, but have to stop for the night in a stone chamber, once inhabited by two lovers. Merlin relates that when the lovers died, they were placed in a magic tomb within a room in the chamber. That night, while Merlin is asleep, Niviane, still disgusted with Merlin's desire for her, as well as his demon heritage, casts a spell over him and places him in the magic tomb so that he can never escape, thus causing his death.^[3]
Merlin's death is recounted differently in other versions of the narrative, the enchanted prison variously described as a cave (in the Lancelot-Grail), a large rock (in Le Morte d'Arthur), an invisible tower. In the Prophetiae Merlini, Niviane confines him in the forest of Brocéliande with walls of air, visible as mist to others but as a beautiful tower to him"

so i've decided to write a list of things i actually like because, you know, i'm slightly down these days and meh. although it would be much easier to write about things that piss me off. like "sites for intelligent women" with a myriad pages about sex that are so cliche it's boring. also, seduction tips that are so far-fetched they make me giggle. on the other hand, 90% of my relationships were with air signs men and they are beyond those ridiculous tips. i mean, really, go do those things to a gemini and he'll roll around the floor laughing. an aqua will probably not even notice you are doing the sexy scheme or just stare at you. i am not sure about libra men, but they will probably just find it distasteful and roll their eyes.
oh, yeah, i'm supposed to think positive today. how about a crack in space/time? you know, to get to a neverwhere place filled with adventure?

someone wise once said "not even grass grows on monday". tru dat. so today was one of those days. tried my best to be pretty on camera but failed miserably because i, of course, got anxious and then sweated like a pig and then run around the tv with a horde of people and then finally stuttered and i got even more anxious and sweated some more and duh. also people kept chanting "don't panic" so of course i panicked because this is my natural reaction to the "stay cool" mantra.
in conclusion, notes to self:
wear comfortable shoes. slippers would be awesome. heels don't help when you're trying desperately to look poised while feeling like a frog being boiled alive
bring extra shirt, just in case i get another bout of nervous sweat
next time will be better.

other than that... a very cool song by anouk. yay, the butterflies!



also, i saw again across the universe. duh, it's a beatles musical, of course it's awesome!

other than that - am fighting with the coat of doom. will post pics when it's ready - at this pace, probably by the end of summer, yet, it will be great! so great i will have no words for it.
oh, yeah, and sun is conjunct jupiter in pisces which should bring world peace! love! free booze for everyone! so far, it brought a devastating earthquake in chile so TRY MOAR BETTER!
the saturn return taught me a valuable lesson. ask the money first, just like 'em 'hos. then do exactly the amount the work you are paid for. just like 'em 'hos. because at work they treat you exactly like ...on of them 'hos.
e.g. - from internet wisdom
bosses always want to pay you less, yet they expect incredible things from you. just like a prostitute.
people expect you to look good and perform great, no matter how you feel about it. yet, when you get home, you look like you're fresh back from a trip to hell. just like a prostitute.
every day you wake up, you repeat to yourself "i won't be doing this for the rest of my life". just like a prostitute.

so it's been a rough couple of days with much drama, snow and realizing how easy one can reach the brink of disaster. but let's just hope for the best, like always.

i'm just back from work (like the unwilling workaholic that i am) - check
everything is terribly chaotic - check
0 days free - check. what? i'm either unemployed or working my bum off
freaking out - nope. nuh huh. chaos was my faithful companion this year, therefore i am getting used to it. i don't care anymore. however, i still want to crawl under a rock.
on the bright side - 6 more days till new moon premieres in the US. and another week till it premieres here. i envy bella so much right now. all she has to worry is whether a silly sparkly vampire loves her or not. me, on the other hand, i have to worry about a gazillion things...

now, let's get back to work

• October 20

The Feast of St Oliver the Humanzee

also, happy Bob day!

some people cope with chronic fatigue and general insecurity about life via therapy and other remedies. Some other people, like myself, live in complete denial. which is why i can't wait to see eclipse. fine, new moon is very very emocakes, edward leaves, bella is crushed (she really needs a reality check there - in real life, that's not healthy!! met a real bella a few weeks ago and she was not a pretty sight) blah blah. but eclipse is much more lolarious since we get to see bella swan's true colors and the camping scene is so ... well, simply put, if i am down and read that i'm all shiny lulz.