let me give thanks for the things that have been this year: the eyes i get lost in, the aries chicks, sister piranha-fish with ancient wisdom and generally for the women in my life starting with mother. also, i will thank the gemini bff and other gemini men for filling my days with sparkle and laughter, flirting for the sake of it and honoring what was, what is and what will never be, the aquarians (except for two - well, one must have rotten apples and you do shame your sign)for expanding my universe physically and mentally, for prooving that chivalry still exists and all, and the water sign men for their uncanny intuituion and caring. let me thank for stars and champagne, for the capital of the soultans, the bright and merry days and all the mad 2013. let's just hope 2014 is better! p.s.... and librans ;)

so, jason silva put it magnificently this whole existential bummer thingie

that's trufax of life... you get something nice and... it goes away. like this afternoon. which will be replaced by a brand new week of hell on wheels. i know there will be many beautiful afternoons with shopping with my sister and cooking with the guys and music and finally getting the windows functional. it's like chicken soup for my soul, being among friends. people who don't threat my balance, people who can be inspirational, who make me feel at home. i've been searching for love yet i actually enjoy friendship more. friends are reliable and comfortable. friends are there when you feel down. friends hug me and kiss me without lust... there are no games. friends actually take care of me and i take care of them and so it goes.

...and i'm off meds. which was maybe a bad idea. i don't know.
so today started with a walk with dog, then i was heading to work worrying that five would be home alone and maybe he will get bored and wreak havoc or whatever, because internet said bull terriers don't do well when left alone to their own devices blah blah. i had no idea i couldn't be more wrong.
turns out that mr. bull-terrier actually is very nice when left to his own devices buuuuuuuuuuuut... surprise! he actually unleashed hell when sister got home and he got the crazy or whatever, not letting her sit on the couch, barking and trying to dig a hole under the front door, jumping on windows and doing the spider-monkey thing. by the time i got home he was all mr. goodie-two-shoes, extremely well-behaving and submissive. and i'm like... you have got to be kidding me! seriously, dog???
then... humanitarian concert. it was a 9 hours behind-the-scenes non-stop madness.

...like, finally. i mean, it wasn't really planned and all but just like sister-fish-the-oracle said today: "i knew you would bring another pet home sooner or later".
so five (really, that's his name) it's a 2 yrs- old bull terrier which his owners sort-of wanted to kick out and a colleague (actually two) told me about it yesterday and it was st. nicholas and he was really cute in the pictures with socks and all and i'm like "yeah! dog!!! i'm taking him!!". so, this morning five moved in and it's ... a lot like having paco back. just in a different shape. he's very loving and affectionate and i sort of love him like candy. a really clean candy now, since i gave him a bath. and best thing - he's good with walks which dear departed paco was not. 

...that pisses me off. dirt poor people with many children. because idiocracy, why don't you people use condoms, why do you expect me to feel sorry for you? i am sorry for the children who should be taken away from those completely idiots of parents that birthed them. but not the parents. don't ask me to be sorry for irresponsible twats. now call me cynical.

okay, not that random...
how comes a free-spirited- chardonnay anarchist- decadent part time witch of the post-modern age like myself manages to attract the right-wing fans?

given the mess and misunderstandings in the last few months, let me explain something in very plain words. i'm generally looking for the father of my future child. are all the fuckwits running for the hills now? good!

...well, they actually are. except for the first two or three weeks when they more or less turned me into a zombie. because it takes a while for the brain to adjust to chemicals or whatever.
anyways, after getting over that, best thing ever! got over the everlasting anxiety state which more or less plagued me since forever and that's fab. because it helps not worrying about other people having the crazy. trufax: most people i know have the crazy. before it was "omg omg omg crazy alert, feed the ravenous beast, make the damn thing happy or it will kill you!". now it's more of "whatever, crazy, let it slide". a shorter memory span is also incredibly useful.
also, restored my sense of humor. contrary to some people's opinion i actually enjoy laughing and feeling good about life in general. just don't rain on my parade, okay?
sleep issues, also mostly solved. because i worry less!
also, i learned a lot of interesting stuff about pills and chemicals and so on and so forth.
and i don't know what's the deal with not drinking coffee. sorry, i still do... :P

because i had an eureka moment this morning while diligently cleaning the house. see, house cleaning is magic like that. and it's such an appropriate thing to do in a scorpy time like this. but let us not digress.
so, one of the catchphrases i heard from several men which criss crossed my life was "but you want a relationshiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip with meeeeeeeeeeeee and i am not ready for that". which usually comes at that part where they come back after a shorter or longer disappearance in a black hole and i'm pissed off while they expect applauses and smiles. seriously, what is wrong with you people?
let's just make a list of explanations here:
1. we already have a relationship. relationship comes from relating which means human interaction. which is: both you and i have relationships with each other, our friends, family, enemies, work colleagues, supermarket cashiers, random people from all over the world. the fact that our interaction is going down the drain doesn't change the fact that it exists. the fact that you don't want it to exist, won't wipe it out of existence either. and how the hell do you get ready for relationships anyway? go to relationship camp? 50 push-ups every morning? polish up your shakespeare? listen to motivational tapes every night before falling asleep?
2. interaction means action - reaction. you acted (like a jerk) i reacted to that. why in the world would you imagine that i would welcome you back like a hero? and yes, i care about how people treat me. it's the most important thing in the world. if someone hits you with a brick in the head you would react to that too.
3. oh, you mean a loving relationship, going steady, eventually get married? with you? because.... what? it was always my dream to hook up forever with someone who has no respect for me, my feelings and my needs. oh, the joy of it! the thrill of hearing always "me me me me me me ... i want, i i i i i i i ... ". get a grip. if i wanted a selfish prick who thinks the sun rises from his ass to worship forever while he makes my life a living hell, i would probably have found him a loooooooong time ago.
4. what i want is just as important as what you want. if there's a conflict of interests, guess who's side am i taking? frankly, since you did not show any interest in my feelings, why would i try to make you feel ok about it?
5. I AM NOT PINING, NOR DESPERATELY IN LOVE WITH YOU, NOR TRYING TO GET YOU BACK. I AM ANGRY WITH YOU. and if you carry on with this behaviour i will still be angry with you. no, i don't forget in time. so disappearing doesn't help, it makes things worse. yeah, i think you're a coward.  
6. i actually wanted to know you better at a certain point. when you were nice to me. how surprising, huh? i like nice people. knowing you better means maybe spending time together, hang out, be civil to each other and stuff like that. and i don't believe in the love that hits you like a hurricane and turns your life upside down. yeah, i believe in attraction and moving forward from there. you don't want it. hey, that's okay. but i would have at least expected from you to have the decency of letting me know BEFORE. which you didn't. which lead to this situation. and i don't care if it doesn't make you happy, because you didn't care whether or not your previous actions made me happy. and i am not going to sweep it under a rug or pretend it did not happen. in conclusion, deal with it.
FIN

yeah. by john legend. which is an accurate description of the way relationships work. that is in a convoluted fashion with tons of drama and probably if aliens are studying us they would draw the reasonable conclusion that relationships are mostly propelled by pure hatred of the other. and that whole lust theory? it's just a myth. lust serves as a starting point for the complicated drama of the relationship. sex is an excuse for living our own version of the young and the restless. because we humans work by the whole "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" principle.

...doesn't feel any different from being 32. so this was a weird year. and somehow the weirding is about to get weirder in the light of the recent events and my ability of attracting other people with huge lumbering trucks of problems. maybe it's my chiron rising, maybe it's the plutonian go-through-hell-and-back routine. oh, yeah, and then i found something that explains it:

Natal Chiron in the 1st House: The Maverick

Chiron is not all about pain and crippling doubts. His full spectrum includes acceptance of whatever wounds are triggered, and the guidance/attraction of others that results from this acceptance. Chiron is an outsider; he represents the feeling of not belonging, or not being as good as everyone else. But if someone has mastered their Chiron energy, the insecure outsider becomes the intriguing maverick. These people know that they’re not one of the group, and that’s what makes them desirable. According to the myth, the centaur Chiron was a teacher before he was wounded. Despite his knowledge, he could not fully heal himself. This is the core of Chiron’s draw: acceptance of what hurts. (like, thank you, astrology for nailing it. i'm good at healing other people but suck spectacularly at healing the wounds of self)
When this planetoid is front and center in the house of identity, Chiron’s energy often manifests as sexual charisma. People recognize that the Chiron person is special. Chiron’s blend of individuality, plus that hint of suffering, creates a powerful fascination. Others sense that the Chiron person has been there/done that, and has something to teach them (on an intimate level). James Dean and Heath Ledger are two examples of 1st House Chirons (both in Taurus). They had sexual magnetism with an underlying hint of vulnerability.

....peace. that sort of peace and reassurance which was can be found only in the depths of oceans under the moonlight.

...really now, that's a really good title for the general chaos (which may or may not be a pit but a ladder, to put it in the words of that smartass teaser of game of thrones) going on in my life. and yeah, love does exist, no matter what some people say. and it feels damn good to let my guard down and be vulnerable and able to cry and to know someone cares.

what you see and what you get...
bohemian idealists who adore the good life, arts, beauty but are not afraid to work hard. we're into giving and taking. trust me, no sane libra believes in unconditional love, or sacrificing whatever for the sake of some person who is not willing to return the same. it's that scales thing. oh, it's somewhat deceptive the appearance, with us being generally people pleasing and accommodating and cute.... but we're consummate score-keepers. try any other sign for slavish devotion. we'll just hit the undeserving bastard with our proverbial sword, go get something pretty and move on. we're a cardinal sign, remember? we're just as driven as aries or capricorn. and being the diplomat of the zodiac does not mean we can be run over. we can and will stand our ground.
also, most of us are really smart and we love beauty of the brain and ideas ... which is why we don't do well with people who have firm principles or hate groups. honestly, the only problem with the world today lies precisely in stupid concepts such as nations, borders, blah blah national heritage. oh yes, and conspiracy theories. another pet peeve. it's called paranoia, darling and life is too short and beautiful for that. we'd be much better off in a melting pot empire with aristocracy ruling (look, we're not really into the people and democracy... we are elitists - some of us. especially the brain power elite type stuff)

evolve or evaporate - word of the day. adapt to the that which cannot be predicted. seek solutions. dream of a day where the phone won't constantly ring like crazy. get your cheetah on (no, seriously, i got cheetah flat stomach again) and when being thrown into the ocean (again) you sink or swim.
thing is it was a crazy month. and it keeps going... and going....

...how the pluto-uranus square manifested for me: tear the house down and rebuild it from scratch. okay, no, just the kitchen. the rest of the house was just repainted and the lights were fixed (which i am not sure it was a good thing) and other things which last since forever. and i'm tired. so exhausted.
...current music: rains of castamere. because the Game of Thrones episode last night was awesomely gory and hell yeah, frey is such a gemini. Deliciously evil and scheming. but let's not forget the song was about tywin, the other psychotic medieval libra who impersonates a leo in the show. you know, i totally agree with the lannisters being ruled by leo but since 2 of them are played by librans and the other one by a gemini... only jaime is actually leo playing himself (and he's danish. of course he is. i will move to denmark one day just because they have the best looking blokes in the entire universe). anyway, back to tywin - the dude rocks, king of swords style. him and cersei are that hand of steel hidden in the velvet glove/socializing/theatrics of libra. also "a lannister always pays his debts" - that's very libran. it's all about the balance.

...and thus, do me a huge favor and please die. this is due to a severe bout of pms (i would really much fancy a big bad fire-breathing-head-chomping dragon right now plzthnks)
also, i think i just found yet another male ideal in the character of Daario Naharis. as in, he's a handsome savage (aren't they all... okay, most of them) who basically storms into danaerys' bathroom and throws the heads of his two former comrades in arms at her feet while pledging his eternal allegiance to her. like, hell yeah, go you!

...also, in an undefined future, my aries bff will write an extensive book on capricorns and sister-fish on scorpios.
so, aquarians. they're interesting. if you ask me, 70% of the male population is born in late january, early february, but then again, maybe it's just me stumbling upon aqua after aqua after.... and getting to conclusions.
number one is that their flirting skills are almost inexistent. not that they're not social... they're very social. they will talk to you but not in the "i want to attract you and make you giggle and feel all fuzzy inside" way. it's either very casual chatting which does not make you feel at all special. this is option number one. number two it's an in-your-face-i-am-smitten approach. or they will switch without notice between these two attitudes. there's no middle ground. you may, over time (long, extended periods of time, we're talking years here) make the situation slightly better.
aquarians tell the truth. they believe in truth. truth is their religion. the truth being whatever happens to pass through their head at that specific moment. the enlightened ones will ask you if you want to hear it. if in any doubt, say no.which will bring us to the next point:
they lack empathy. no, they are not mean (actually, that part in the astrology books about aquas being humanitarians is true), nor petty, nor callous.the other person's feelings are...ummm... a little difficult to understand/accept. example> aquarian is in love with you. he will be all over you, wow you, exasperate you if necessary. then he needs space/has some stuff to do (the "stuff to do" version is particularly annoying, because you start wondering if he suffers from a particular form of attention disorder which prevents him from doing more than one thing at the time. like breathing, eating or whatever else that's not directly related to his goal). then he's back. then he'll be genuinely surprised why are you mad/want to throw bricks at him/not happy as a puppy. thing is their feelings are a little one-sided. you need the patience of a saint to explain repeatedly that your feelings are just as important as theirs and that their behavior affects you. eventually, you will get to a set of rules, where there can be order in chaos ...
best thing about aquas: most of them are non-judgmental. you may have your quirks, outbursts of temper and even moments of sheer madness. "we're all a little mad" they will say and get over it. they like different, even controversial and they cannot be bothered with rigid morality... "live and let live"
the other best feature: most of them are smart - some even border on genius. and with smarts come a sense of humor too!
the hidden gem is however their romantic streak. it's not really apparent at first sight but if you have the luck/stamina/good planetary alignment... expect to be surprised in the best sense of the word.

...and it's also an eclipse. and it already feels like living a personal version of wuthering heights, complete with brooding and mood swings from hell. which, for me, it's the rough equivalent of being constantly hit over the head with a brick... it's annoying, it hurts, leaves you dazed and confused and i have no idea what's going on and when i try to make some sense of it all or at least get to the point of "fuck it, i'm unleashing hell", oh well, please, let me get to that point.or some other point. i need a point.
yeah, that's the famous libra indecision for you. you have logic, feelings, the other person(s) (not) feelings, and explanations for their actions, feelings and words, what happened, what happens and what may or may not happen if you stay on this course of action, the rules of the game and a hell lot of intensity to take into account. getting from a to b has never been more complicated, especially if you think you could also get to c,d, or some other point situated into uncharted territory.
let's just hope this emogoth moon will bring some enlightenment.

...this was one of those a-ha moments i had during this uber-intense astro times. does not hurt that my north node is in leo so i am bound to learn a thing or two from these people. ok, not all leos are that inspirational, but some of those i know really are, starting, of course with my own personal leo all-father. and by the way, i am writing this because leos know how to receive a compliment, unlike other signs
and one of the first things you learn it's that it's good to be part of a pride of lions. it's no wonder they call it a pride. it's not a flock, pack, herd or whatever. it's a PRIDE. leos understand the value of having people around and i have yet to meet one who is a loner or who despises people. this is why they are popular.
"be happy" - this advice was given by a leo. i think leos truly believe in the pursuit of happiness. and inspire others to do the same with their general sunny disposition.
express yourself, it's human nature and true blue - look madonna is a leo. that girl knows what she's talking about.
have fun - leos are into the feel-good-things-in-life. and they like to talk, they make great entertainers and they're not not shy about showing their emotions.

okay, it was not so bad. it was actually good, not to say great (at least i stopped wanting to bite some people's head off. and that was exceptional achievement) and dreamy and stuff. at times even surreal. as in please give me more of this, i'm so grateful for everything and the easy-breezy of the NOW. okay, universe, you could do a little better about the distance thingie. that gets a little tiresome after a while. give people a chance to be together in the same place! for an extended period of time! to find out that we actually are terminally incompatible and ... actually, no. last time around it was too fucked-up for words. bloody complicated, i tell you. crash and burn hurts like hell but longing does not help either
also, i found out i morphed from a libra with a cappy moon into a scorpio with a pisces moon which explains the last 2 years of drama and why the people i know fall into 2 broad categories: those who are honest-to-god crazy and those who go through an existential crisis of some sort. and honestly, i look sane by comparison. of course, THE experiment showed i am not exactly sane but that is an entirely different story which will not be touched. mainly because i want to look good

happy new water snake year! which was about 2 weeks ago and please gods make it be just like last year only MOAR BETTER. i fancied 2012 for many reasons so let's keep up the good work, mmmkay?
oh, right, christmas time wasn't exactly a dream... more like a nightmare, but then things went uphill from there and poof! murderous thoughts went into oblivion because, frankly, they spoiled karma anyway.
and i believe in karma.
also: stop terraforming people who cannot be terraformed. there are hopeless cases in the world or i lost my patience and since the destiny keeps throwing at me weird people, they'd better be awesome and self-terraforming and not chicken or in denial (okay, not the last part. most people i know are in a constant state of denial. denial is a mechanism of coping with reality. it relates to the "harry potter's closet" theory i developed with my bff in  a smoking break)
also, for the astrological record, mercury is about to be retrograde and in pisces which will bring into existence a new dimension of weirdness...