one more thing

...that pisses me off. dirt poor people with many children. because idiocracy, why don't you people use condoms, why do you expect me to feel sorry for you? i am sorry for the children who should be taken away from those completely idiots of parents that birthed them. but not the parents. don't ask me to be sorry for irresponsible twats. now call me cynical.

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random thought

okay, not that random...
how comes a free-spirited- chardonnay anarchist- decadent part time witch of the post-modern age like myself manages to attract the right-wing fans?

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general announcement

given the mess and misunderstandings in the last few months, let me explain something in very plain words. i'm generally looking for the father of my future child. are all the fuckwits running for the hills now? good!

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on antidepressants and why they're useful.

...well, they actually are. except for the first two or three weeks when they more or less turned me into a zombie. because it takes a while for the brain to adjust to chemicals or whatever.
anyways, after getting over that, best thing ever! got over the everlasting anxiety state which more or less plagued me since forever and that's fab. because it helps not worrying about other people having the crazy. trufax: most people i know have the crazy. before it was "omg omg omg crazy alert, feed the ravenous beast, make the damn thing happy or it will kill you!". now it's more of "whatever, crazy, let it slide". a shorter memory span is also incredibly useful.
also, restored my sense of humor. contrary to some people's opinion i actually enjoy laughing and feeling good about life in general. just don't rain on my parade, okay?
sleep issues, also mostly solved. because i worry less!
also, i learned a lot of interesting stuff about pills and chemicals and so on and so forth.
and i don't know what's the deal with not drinking coffee. sorry, i still do... :P

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just to make things clear

because i had an eureka moment this morning while diligently cleaning the house. see, house cleaning is magic like that. and it's such an appropriate thing to do in a scorpy time like this. but let us not digress.
so, one of the catchphrases i heard from several men which criss crossed my life was "but you want a relationshiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip with meeeeeeeeeeeee and i am not ready for that". which usually comes at that part where they come back after a shorter or longer disappearance in a black hole and i'm pissed off while they expect applauses and smiles. seriously, what is wrong with you people?
let's just make a list of explanations here:
1. we already have a relationship. relationship comes from relating which means human interaction. which is: both you and i have relationships with each other, our friends, family, enemies, work colleagues, supermarket cashiers, random people from all over the world. the fact that our interaction is going down the drain doesn't change the fact that it exists. the fact that you don't want it to exist, won't wipe it out of existence either. and how the hell do you get ready for relationships anyway? go to relationship camp? 50 push-ups every morning? polish up your shakespeare? listen to motivational tapes every night before falling asleep?
2. interaction means action - reaction. you acted (like a jerk) i reacted to that. why in the world would you imagine that i would welcome you back like a hero? and yes, i care about how people treat me. it's the most important thing in the world. if someone hits you with a brick in the head you would react to that too.
3. oh, you mean a loving relationship, going steady, eventually get married? with you? because.... what? it was always my dream to hook up forever with someone who has no respect for me, my feelings and my needs. oh, the joy of it! the thrill of hearing always "me me me me me me ... i want, i i i i i i i ... ". get a grip. if i wanted a selfish prick who thinks the sun rises from his ass to worship forever while he makes my life a living hell, i would probably have found him a loooooooong time ago.
4. what i want is just as important as what you want. if there's a conflict of interests, guess who's side am i taking? frankly, since you did not show any interest in my feelings, why would i try to make you feel ok about it?
5. I AM NOT PINING, NOR DESPERATELY IN LOVE WITH YOU, NOR TRYING TO GET YOU BACK. I AM ANGRY WITH YOU. and if you carry on with this behaviour i will still be angry with you. no, i don't forget in time. so disappearing doesn't help, it makes things worse. yeah, i think you're a coward.  
6. i actually wanted to know you better at a certain point. when you were nice to me. how surprising, huh? i like nice people. knowing you better means maybe spending time together, hang out, be civil to each other and stuff like that. and i don't believe in the love that hits you like a hurricane and turns your life upside down. yeah, i believe in attraction and moving forward from there. you don't want it. hey, that's okay. but i would have at least expected from you to have the decency of letting me know BEFORE. which you didn't. which lead to this situation. and i don't care if it doesn't make you happy, because you didn't care whether or not your previous actions made me happy. and i am not going to sweep it under a rug or pretend it did not happen. in conclusion, deal with it.
FIN

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ordinary people

yeah. by john legend. which is an accurate description of the way relationships work. that is in a convoluted fashion with tons of drama and probably if aliens are studying us they would draw the reasonable conclusion that relationships are mostly propelled by pure hatred of the other. and that whole lust theory? it's just a myth. lust serves as a starting point for the complicated drama of the relationship. sex is an excuse for living our own version of the young and the restless. because we humans work by the whole "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" principle.


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