Aries: A little relaxation and culture, naturally. Ensure that hiking boots and fiery attitudes are left at home with tickets to an exciting evening of… opera.

Taurus: Deepak Chopra’s Ageless Body, Timeless Mind. While the more metaphysically-inclined signs would be charmed to receive a book like this, the Bull will think you’ve gone bonkers.

Gemini: Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season One, hands-down. For one thing, the DVD will grant Geminis a break from mental stimulation. For another … uh, it fits just about anywhere?

Cancer: Exercise tools such as resistance bands or free weights will show sensitive Cancerians you care. Especially after you explain – in the face of their crabby display of insecurity – that these gifts are not attacks on their svelte shape.

Leo: Fake Chanel handbag. Whereas a Sagittarian will laugh off a prank like this, the Lioness will be royally miffed.

Virgo: A neatly wrapped, ridiculously expensive, entirely impractical burping Santa or farting Snowman sculpture. Don’t forget to chuck the receipt. And, oh yeah, that’s flattery screaming from their one-of-a-kind facial expressions.

Libra: An “experimental” or abstract painting. Make sure the colors or the textures clash. The Libran may be too well-behaved to say it, but it will jar their sense of balance. Look! Their softly clenched teeth give them away! (sorry, Picasso, but there's truth in there!)

Scorpio: A detoxification program is in order for this sponge. Now, Scorpio’s death-stare and silence might scare a gift-giver at first. However, the scorpion is not embarrassed (nor plotting your next misfortune). These mechanisms are simply code behaviors for gratitude. After all, it’s not always easy to find the right sentiments for the sweet and generous!

Sagittarius: The Home and Garden for Dummies series. Bath, tile and sink refinishing on their minds? Look no further. These books are guaranteed to delight Sagittarians, quenching their famous thirst for knowledge in extensive detail from intro to end!

Capricorn: A weekend at a nudist camp. A Gemini wouldn’t mind checking one out just to see what it’s like. But the Goats, who have a tough time even letting their hair down, will shrink in horror at the thought of shedding their clothes in public!

Aquarius: A twin-set. It makes a perfect gift for Capricorns who favor the classic look, but it is anathema to the Water Bearers who make their own rules and delight in thumbing their nose at tradition.

Pisces: Classes on bookkeeping. A Virgo might glow with quiet anticipation at receiving such a gift, but a Pisces will be more bewildered than usual. They’ll thank you sweetly, nonetheless.

Happy holidays!