...tired, so tired, omg, i hate mornings.

actually sleep is the one of the best therapies i can get. great for my skin, great for my mind, great for everything. and with my two free weeks (yay!!) i did plenty of that. sleeping. also, sewing, of course of course, lots of documentaries and movies. turned off the tv and choose stuff to watch :D still hateful weather.

my creative streak is back! i did the watteau-esque skirt yesterday and today is time for the blue dress with flowers embroidered. yey! ...also, on the subject of relationships and marriage. i have absolutely no intention in the foreseeable future of getting desperate over not having an immature/insecure/irresponsible prick in my life. been there, done that and it's a fast track to nowhere. plus i see my friends (male and female) pining over characters who don't reciprocate their feelings and who behave miserably, use and abuse them. "but you've never been truly in love", they say... uh, if love means suffering like a dog over extended periods of time for someone who clearly isn't into you and, as a bonus, uses you as a doormat... probably not. and i would rather be a crazy old woman with cats than spend my life feeding the ego of some idiot. plus, i am very tired and i frankly don't have the energy, time and will to devote to the noble cause of suffering from "love". i am so not masochistic. and although i adore tragic love stories in the books and in the movies, i don't like them in real life. honestly. and i am also incredibly tired of "understanding". no more understanding unless understood back. ...sure, i would like someone in my life. someone who cares, protects and makes my life better. someone who could be the father of my children. and this is where stuff actually gets serious. messing around, i can do with about anyone. at its worst, i get some more emotional scars and i waste some time. a father for my children - which is what i am after at this point - takes the game to an entirely different level. which requires me to be extremely picky because it's not just me there, it's also the life of my future children. i want them to have a beautiful life, without worries. i want them to have a functional family who supports and cares for them. so...how can i afford to settle for a man-child who is not even able to do the most basic of the social niceties (like answering the fucking phone or knowing what i like) without his ego getting in the way? i will have to rely on that person for at least a few years...

so persephone was sitting at the entrance of the netherworld. as you do, really. and hades, the grimdark sexyhot, was not there to wait for her, as he usually did. "hades, you idiot", the goddess was musing... but the shadows did not move. and there were no transfixing eyes staring at her from the darkness, no snake-like arms wrapping gently around her, no seductive voice... just the cold dead silence. and this was annoying. see, the netherworld is not a bad place to be. it's full of wonders and its appearance can change at will, except the rivers and the plain of asphodels. oh, and there were the poppies too... lovely, really, to watch in the dim golden glow. seemed gorgeous gems shaped like flowers and when you touched them, they felt even more silky than those who grew under the sun. and they never ever died. just stayed the same. a lot like hades and his other riches. precious stones and metals.... "oh, come on!" then, a sigh... "ah, yes..."

....i need a nap. and by nap i mean a coma to snatch me away from what is called reality these days. i'm tired, you know... oh, yes, besides that. i am always amazed by the acts of chivalry that come out of the blue. and they do happen. like yesterday. ...oh and i had so many ideas i wanted to put down for posterity and off they went into oblivion. yep. one of them was that i miss summer. well, to be sincere, very specific parts of last summer with beach and sunsets and the delicious madness. which is why i will never be able to grow up and have ...goals. or whatever it is people do and generally be so miserable and revel in a pit of sorrow. this is what is most confounding about people i know. so i say: please return and never leave me again, please return and never leave me again, please return and never leave me again, please return and never leave me again, it's heartbreaking to be split in two like this, it doesn't get better, it gets worse in time and i swear to god i will be good. i just want to bask into the beauty of it all forever if possible and...sigh. walking barefoot with the hair all wild and no make-up and a touch of drama and that undelible feeling of living in the neverland where all is possible and peter pan and the gang with fairies do exist.

see, 2014 will be a good year because i say so. and it kicked off in style. and since not so deep down i am shallow decadent creature addicted to champagne, pretty homes, witty banter, sparkly stuff, a touch of occasional drama, by all the gods above and below, i will be horribly in love. yeah, i did not lie when i said that in my heart i am cat. you know, problems... they will be there like forever. stuff like work, bills, blah blah evilcakes conspiracies... but moments when all that is suspended... so rare. so precious. so worth it

let me give thanks for the things that have been this year: the eyes i get lost in, the aries chicks, sister piranha-fish with ancient wisdom and generally for the women in my life starting with mother. also, i will thank the gemini bff and other gemini men for filling my days with sparkle and laughter, flirting for the sake of it and honoring what was, what is and what will never be, the aquarians (except for two - well, one must have rotten apples and you do shame your sign)for expanding my universe physically and mentally, for prooving that chivalry still exists and all, and the water sign men for their uncanny intuituion and caring. let me thank for stars and champagne, for the capital of the soultans, the bright and merry days and all the mad 2013. let's just hope 2014 is better! p.s.... and librans ;)

so, jason silva put it magnificently this whole existential bummer thingie

that's trufax of life... you get something nice and... it goes away. like this afternoon. which will be replaced by a brand new week of hell on wheels. i know there will be many beautiful afternoons with shopping with my sister and cooking with the guys and music and finally getting the windows functional. it's like chicken soup for my soul, being among friends. people who don't threat my balance, people who can be inspirational, who make me feel at home. i've been searching for love yet i actually enjoy friendship more. friends are reliable and comfortable. friends are there when you feel down. friends hug me and kiss me without lust... there are no games. friends actually take care of me and i take care of them and so it goes.

...and i'm off meds. which was maybe a bad idea. i don't know.
so today started with a walk with dog, then i was heading to work worrying that five would be home alone and maybe he will get bored and wreak havoc or whatever, because internet said bull terriers don't do well when left alone to their own devices blah blah. i had no idea i couldn't be more wrong.
turns out that mr. bull-terrier actually is very nice when left to his own devices buuuuuuuuuuuut... surprise! he actually unleashed hell when sister got home and he got the crazy or whatever, not letting her sit on the couch, barking and trying to dig a hole under the front door, jumping on windows and doing the spider-monkey thing. by the time i got home he was all mr. goodie-two-shoes, extremely well-behaving and submissive. and i'm like... you have got to be kidding me! seriously, dog???
then... humanitarian concert. it was a 9 hours behind-the-scenes non-stop madness.

...like, finally. i mean, it wasn't really planned and all but just like sister-fish-the-oracle said today: "i knew you would bring another pet home sooner or later".
so five (really, that's his name) it's a 2 yrs- old bull terrier which his owners sort-of wanted to kick out and a colleague (actually two) told me about it yesterday and it was st. nicholas and he was really cute in the pictures with socks and all and i'm like "yeah! dog!!! i'm taking him!!". so, this morning five moved in and it's ... a lot like having paco back. just in a different shape. he's very loving and affectionate and i sort of love him like candy. a really clean candy now, since i gave him a bath. and best thing - he's good with walks which dear departed paco was not. 

...that pisses me off. dirt poor people with many children. because idiocracy, why don't you people use condoms, why do you expect me to feel sorry for you? i am sorry for the children who should be taken away from those completely idiots of parents that birthed them. but not the parents. don't ask me to be sorry for irresponsible twats. now call me cynical.

okay, not that random...
how comes a free-spirited- chardonnay anarchist- decadent part time witch of the post-modern age like myself manages to attract the right-wing fans?

given the mess and misunderstandings in the last few months, let me explain something in very plain words. i'm generally looking for the father of my future child. are all the fuckwits running for the hills now? good!

...well, they actually are. except for the first two or three weeks when they more or less turned me into a zombie. because it takes a while for the brain to adjust to chemicals or whatever.
anyways, after getting over that, best thing ever! got over the everlasting anxiety state which more or less plagued me since forever and that's fab. because it helps not worrying about other people having the crazy. trufax: most people i know have the crazy. before it was "omg omg omg crazy alert, feed the ravenous beast, make the damn thing happy or it will kill you!". now it's more of "whatever, crazy, let it slide". a shorter memory span is also incredibly useful.
also, restored my sense of humor. contrary to some people's opinion i actually enjoy laughing and feeling good about life in general. just don't rain on my parade, okay?
sleep issues, also mostly solved. because i worry less!
also, i learned a lot of interesting stuff about pills and chemicals and so on and so forth.
and i don't know what's the deal with not drinking coffee. sorry, i still do... :P

because i had an eureka moment this morning while diligently cleaning the house. see, house cleaning is magic like that. and it's such an appropriate thing to do in a scorpy time like this. but let us not digress.
so, one of the catchphrases i heard from several men which criss crossed my life was "but you want a relationshiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip with meeeeeeeeeeeee and i am not ready for that". which usually comes at that part where they come back after a shorter or longer disappearance in a black hole and i'm pissed off while they expect applauses and smiles. seriously, what is wrong with you people?
let's just make a list of explanations here:
1. we already have a relationship. relationship comes from relating which means human interaction. which is: both you and i have relationships with each other, our friends, family, enemies, work colleagues, supermarket cashiers, random people from all over the world. the fact that our interaction is going down the drain doesn't change the fact that it exists. the fact that you don't want it to exist, won't wipe it out of existence either. and how the hell do you get ready for relationships anyway? go to relationship camp? 50 push-ups every morning? polish up your shakespeare? listen to motivational tapes every night before falling asleep?
2. interaction means action - reaction. you acted (like a jerk) i reacted to that. why in the world would you imagine that i would welcome you back like a hero? and yes, i care about how people treat me. it's the most important thing in the world. if someone hits you with a brick in the head you would react to that too.
3. oh, you mean a loving relationship, going steady, eventually get married? with you? because.... what? it was always my dream to hook up forever with someone who has no respect for me, my feelings and my needs. oh, the joy of it! the thrill of hearing always "me me me me me me ... i want, i i i i i i i ... ". get a grip. if i wanted a selfish prick who thinks the sun rises from his ass to worship forever while he makes my life a living hell, i would probably have found him a loooooooong time ago.
4. what i want is just as important as what you want. if there's a conflict of interests, guess who's side am i taking? frankly, since you did not show any interest in my feelings, why would i try to make you feel ok about it?
5. I AM NOT PINING, NOR DESPERATELY IN LOVE WITH YOU, NOR TRYING TO GET YOU BACK. I AM ANGRY WITH YOU. and if you carry on with this behaviour i will still be angry with you. no, i don't forget in time. so disappearing doesn't help, it makes things worse. yeah, i think you're a coward.  
6. i actually wanted to know you better at a certain point. when you were nice to me. how surprising, huh? i like nice people. knowing you better means maybe spending time together, hang out, be civil to each other and stuff like that. and i don't believe in the love that hits you like a hurricane and turns your life upside down. yeah, i believe in attraction and moving forward from there. you don't want it. hey, that's okay. but i would have at least expected from you to have the decency of letting me know BEFORE. which you didn't. which lead to this situation. and i don't care if it doesn't make you happy, because you didn't care whether or not your previous actions made me happy. and i am not going to sweep it under a rug or pretend it did not happen. in conclusion, deal with it.
FIN

yeah. by john legend. which is an accurate description of the way relationships work. that is in a convoluted fashion with tons of drama and probably if aliens are studying us they would draw the reasonable conclusion that relationships are mostly propelled by pure hatred of the other. and that whole lust theory? it's just a myth. lust serves as a starting point for the complicated drama of the relationship. sex is an excuse for living our own version of the young and the restless. because we humans work by the whole "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" principle.

...doesn't feel any different from being 32. so this was a weird year. and somehow the weirding is about to get weirder in the light of the recent events and my ability of attracting other people with huge lumbering trucks of problems. maybe it's my chiron rising, maybe it's the plutonian go-through-hell-and-back routine. oh, yeah, and then i found something that explains it:

Natal Chiron in the 1st House: The Maverick

Chiron is not all about pain and crippling doubts. His full spectrum includes acceptance of whatever wounds are triggered, and the guidance/attraction of others that results from this acceptance. Chiron is an outsider; he represents the feeling of not belonging, or not being as good as everyone else. But if someone has mastered their Chiron energy, the insecure outsider becomes the intriguing maverick. These people know that they’re not one of the group, and that’s what makes them desirable. According to the myth, the centaur Chiron was a teacher before he was wounded. Despite his knowledge, he could not fully heal himself. This is the core of Chiron’s draw: acceptance of what hurts. (like, thank you, astrology for nailing it. i'm good at healing other people but suck spectacularly at healing the wounds of self)
When this planetoid is front and center in the house of identity, Chiron’s energy often manifests as sexual charisma. People recognize that the Chiron person is special. Chiron’s blend of individuality, plus that hint of suffering, creates a powerful fascination. Others sense that the Chiron person has been there/done that, and has something to teach them (on an intimate level). James Dean and Heath Ledger are two examples of 1st House Chirons (both in Taurus). They had sexual magnetism with an underlying hint of vulnerability.

....peace. that sort of peace and reassurance which was can be found only in the depths of oceans under the moonlight.

...really now, that's a really good title for the general chaos (which may or may not be a pit but a ladder, to put it in the words of that smartass teaser of game of thrones) going on in my life. and yeah, love does exist, no matter what some people say. and it feels damn good to let my guard down and be vulnerable and able to cry and to know someone cares.

what you see and what you get...
bohemian idealists who adore the good life, arts, beauty but are not afraid to work hard. we're into giving and taking. trust me, no sane libra believes in unconditional love, or sacrificing whatever for the sake of some person who is not willing to return the same. it's that scales thing. oh, it's somewhat deceptive the appearance, with us being generally people pleasing and accommodating and cute.... but we're consummate score-keepers. try any other sign for slavish devotion. we'll just hit the undeserving bastard with our proverbial sword, go get something pretty and move on. we're a cardinal sign, remember? we're just as driven as aries or capricorn. and being the diplomat of the zodiac does not mean we can be run over. we can and will stand our ground.
also, most of us are really smart and we love beauty of the brain and ideas ... which is why we don't do well with people who have firm principles or hate groups. honestly, the only problem with the world today lies precisely in stupid concepts such as nations, borders, blah blah national heritage. oh yes, and conspiracy theories. another pet peeve. it's called paranoia, darling and life is too short and beautiful for that. we'd be much better off in a melting pot empire with aristocracy ruling (look, we're not really into the people and democracy... we are elitists - some of us. especially the brain power elite type stuff)